Wednesday, 30 July 2014
Wise Wednesday #4
This week I have not been feeling well at. all. For some reason, whenever I become too relaxed - that somehow manifests itself into a whole new world of anxiety. I've been suffering really strong palpitations all week, I feel like I can hardly breathe (I think I'm coming down with another chest infection) and I've been having horrible dreams. I haven't been having nightmares no, but its almost as if I'm living a super stress filled life in my dreams which in turn makes me wake all disorientated and fraught with distress and I am hating it.
I had a dream that I was learning to ride a motor bike (first of all, huge stress, 100% out of my comfort zone) and one morning I had to get to college (bit outdated?) and not thinking straight I drove my motor bike all the way there, parked up, took off my helmet only to realise that I just completed a 20 mile journey without having a licence (WHY?). I didn't know what to do, I couldn't ask someone around me for advice because it was an empty car park and I didn't know how to get back home. For some reason, at this point my shoes decided to disappear. I couldn't ride the bike back home because, well it's illegal, and by this point in the dream I was so anxious that I couldn't even contemplate walking to the train station... but I couldn't just leave it there in case it got stolen, but then I also couldn't take it on the train back with me and so I called my dad (yes, apparently I call my dad in times of despair in my dreams too haha). He drove all that way to come and help me, but the bike wouldn't fit in his car and then in my dream I had a panic attack. Consequently, I woke up, my heart racing, I was hyperventilating, sweating and all I could think was, brain WHY would you do that to me? It's such a strange dream too, usually I can figure out what it is that I have experienced, talked about or heard during the day that would have influenced such a dream but not this one. I think I might have figured it out though, if not then oh well its helpful bull.
My anxiety has really just got me down this week and I've made myself feel physically weaker than I would have liked now that I'm about to jump into undertaking the research process for my dissertation. Perhaps this is what I am stressed about. It is just such a big deal, and there is no room for error here. I myself am one to preach to others that 'grades don't mean everything' and this doesn't, but boy does it mean a lot. If there is one skill I can safely preach about on my CV its that I am bloody good at writing reports and I just know I can get that first class grade I'm longing for (for my dissertation that is) if I really knuckle down this summer before Autumn term starts and go back to university with at least the first draft completed. Even though I feel ready, and I am excited to begin my research, my greatest fear is that I will jump into it all and feel swamped and stuck in a whole pool of research, statistics, sourcesaregihr and not be able to get back on top and hand in a good piece of work - maybe this is represented in my dream through travelling towards my education on a high speed motor bike, only to get to the other end and feel lost and stranded, not knowing what to do? Who knows. Either way it's sort of opened my eyes a little.
I have decided, despite of all the work that I have ahead over the next few months that the most important thing for me to do, at least right now is to take my time, think things through, plan and "go slowly". Sometimes its easy to forget to breathe and come to terms with your thoughts when you have such a scary hurdle ahead because contemplating it for too long can be a stress in itself, but I am determined to enter into this project with a clear mind which I hope will help reduce the physical symptoms I've been suffering and in the long run, better prepare my mind and my body to produce a significant piece of work that I am proud of.
Health first, work second.
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